Gay FAQ

"Can I ask you a Gay Question?" is how it usually starts. And before you know it, the confused hetero is popping that nagging query they've always wondered about, the one that demonstrates just how little time they've actually spent doing all that wondering, the one that deserves a riposte as unsettling as their question is dumb. In our never-ending quest to help you through life's little tortures, we've assembled a baker's dozen of real questions asked by real straight people and a few possible retorts for each. Ready?

1) What's it like?

Snappy response #1: What's what like?

Snappy response #2: Begin singing in your best Alanis gargle: "It's like ray-eee-yane on your wedding day..."

2) How come you don't look gay?

Snappy response #1: I had to send my uniform back-the A&F, shirt wasn't my color and the daisy duke shorts were a touch too small. But I should be getting my new one in the mail any day now.

Snappy response #2: How come you do?

3) Are you the man or the woman?

Snappy response #1: Bend over and I'll show you.

Snappy response #2: Well, to find that out, first, we both get naked and beat each other to a bloody pulp. Whoever's left standing is the man-you know, like the way your parents did it.

4) Do you take it up the butt?

Snappy response #1: No, I take it in the kneecap.

Snappy response #2: Yes, don't you?

5) Why haven't you just found a woman and settled down?

Snappy response #1: Because I can't seem to find one that likes both my boyfriend and I.

Snappy response #2: Because I'm scared! (Say this while collapsing to the floor and sobbing-you will scare them as a result and they will quit bugging you.)

6) Doesn't it hurt?

Snappy response #1: Only after I've spent a lot of money taking him to dinner and a movie and then discover he's a bad lay.

Snappy response #2: Not as much as you'd think. Of course, being unconscious sure helps.

7) Who invented gay sex?

Snappy response #1: I don't know, but I perfected it.

Snappy response #2: Me and your Dad.

8) What do your parents say?

Snappy response #1: They say, "Get a job and get out of our house! You're 28 already!" Oh, you mean about the fag stuff? I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

Snappy response #2: Well, actually they haven't spoken to me since high school after my guidance counselor helped me defect from their satanic cult. But 15 years of being sodomized by a goat is enough for anyone, don't you think?

9) Do you people really do "that thing" with gerbils?

Snappy response #1: Why yes! I have six of them up there right now!

Snappy response #2: Not anymore, since the popularity caused a national shortage of gerbils. Taco Bell has inspired a new craze now, however, with hairless Chihuahuas.

10) Do you hate women?

Snappy response #1: Only the ones who can't accessorize properly.

Snappy response #2: No, just you.

11) Do you swallow?

Snappy response #1: No, I share it with my boyfriend.

Snappy response #2: Just my leprosy medication. How about a hug?

12) You're not attracted to ME are you?

Snappy response #1: Well, compared to that toothless, greasy carnival worker standing over there operating the Tilt-A-Whirl, yeah, I am attracted to you.

Snappy response #2: Here, put this gorilla mask on. Oh yeah, now I'm attracted to you.

13). Are gay people bad drivers?

Snappy Response #1: Only when they are trying to drive while sitting on your Dads lap.

Snappy Response #2: Only when Madonna comes on the radio and we're trying to powder our noses on the dash board.

Snappy Response #3: Only when they're trying to turn the corner while getting head from your boyfriend.

Snappy Response #4: Only when they are rushing to Barney's for the after Christmas sale while coming off of "Tina" after an all nighter with your girlfriends brother.